Loving All of My Personal Truths— How I Interrupt a Shame Storm
This post is dedicated to all the single people. I’ve been living with myself for quite some time now. And quite frankly, I need a break. These last few months have revealed all kinds of obvious truths I prefer not to admit. You know the ones… “Things don’t get done because I don’t do them.” or “I don’t save money because I spend it.” or “ I can’t work on X if I’m always working on Y.” Annoyingly, these are not deep revelations.
Shallow as they may seem, they do provide some powerful clues about my daily choices. The most obvious one is the mismatch between what I say I want and what I actually do. In fact, I’ve known for a while that as soon as I say I want something to occur in my life, I proceed to behave in ways that take me further away from my goal. And then I end up in a Shinquiry Cyclone. Yes, I just made up a word. Shame + inquiry = Shinquiry. I call it a Shinquiry Cyclone because it’s a specific type of Shame Storm.
It’s more than me feeling embarrassed or ashamed about a situation. It includes a series of accusatory questions that fuel my feelings of low self-worth. Questions like, “Why don’t I know what I want already?” “Why can’t you finish what you start?” “How hard is it to set a goal and accomplish it?” Or my personal favorite, “What’s wrong with me?”
These questions usually creep in when I feel discouraged. Once they swirl around a few times, the discouragement turns into shame and then the Shinquiry Cyclone begins. It’s always a toss up as to how long it’ll last. But at some point, I’ll pick up my magnifying glass and begin investigating.
First, I write down the questions coming up in the shame storm.
Second, after I have them all laid out, I analyze the pronouns.
For me, anything that has no pronouns or a you in it, almost always comes from a parent, relative, or phrend. Phrends are frenemies we don’t recognize. These are people whose criticisms and toxic advice we mistake for care and concern.
I find inquiries rooted in the beliefs of others are [usually] easier to dissolve. Oftentimes, they don’t reflect my values and I can quickly let them go.
The I and me pronouns, however, are a different story. These inquiries often reflect deep seated limiting beliefs I’ve held for a long time. This is where the work begins - literally - with some help from Byron Katie, of course.
One of the coolest things about Life (and language) is its tendency to provide insights whenever I shift my point of focus. I’ve come to realize the I and me questions in my Shinquiry Cyclone are the residues of shameful thoughts I unconsciously carry around.
For example, behind “What’s wrong with me?” is the thought, “Something is wrong with me.” And behind “Why don’t I know what I want already?” is “I don’t know what I want. I’m confused and indecisive.”
Once I have a collection of secondary thoughts, I can run them through the four steps of The Work. The mere act of asking myself, “Who would I be without the thought?” is enough to reduce my Shinquiry Cyclone to a light breeze. Then something magical happens when I start writing the turnarounds.
Suddenly, the constraints in my life start looking like possibilities. I notice I don’t have to work so hard to breathe deeply. Then the waves of enoughness wash over my body and I remember that I am whole, perfect and complete… and so are you. Namaste.
